what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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