I wish my penis had an off switch
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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