You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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