Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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