that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
