i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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