she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
