it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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