How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
