Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
