If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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