He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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