i will never coherently bang her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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