I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize