the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
