how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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