Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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