Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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