I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
