Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
