I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
