saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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