I accidentally had phone sex last night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
