I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
