her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
pray to the hookup gods
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
