Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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