Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
