i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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