so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
