Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
