just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize