i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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