when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
