3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
