You made me cry and you don't even care
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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