paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
