I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
