the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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