i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
