he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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