You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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