remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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