Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize