Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
