You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
