Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
