I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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