you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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