Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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