Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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