She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
