My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
