i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
