Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
