I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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