like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
