i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
