used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
