I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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