I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
