Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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