The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
