I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
