i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
